How to Be Confident with Jaundice Eyes

I write this article on a bad day. I have sickle cell as I've stated before and with all the emotional and physical pain that comes along with it jaundice is one of the consistent problems I have. Today I came in late for class and missed a much needed quiz to boost up my grade, I encountered two of my classmates avoiding me despite the fact that I was just walking like everyone else and had no intentions of talking to them anyway. In addition to that, I forgot my money to buy sushi, an energy drink and embarrassingly walked out of the store  with my lunch left behind at the counter. I know these all seem trivial compared to the  chaos that goes on in the world.

However these mishaps seemed to flood my mind as  I drove back home. So when I hopped on my laptop in my room and searched "how to be confident with jaundice eyes, " I was looking for reassurance.  There needed to be  something to kick me out of the funk, to know that everything would be okay, and yet I got nothing. The same emotion that surrounds my inner thoughts come attacking. It's the same disappointing feeling I get when I Google "makeup for jaundice eyes," or dare I type "how to cure jaundice".

I've been dealing with this tug of war since  middle school. When will I just accept my fate? I know that my  life wouldn't drastically change if I woke up suddenly with milky white eyes. However, it would be nice to be able to look at someone in the eye, without awkwardly looking away. Or have someone understand how you feel.

This is just me being dramatic I assume, I mean I know about the man with no arms and legs who just got married and now has a child. However, sometimes I can't help but to think these stressful reminders. In our world, we often ban this thinking as  if it were a selfish thing to do: talking about your problems.

Yes, I write this article on a bad day. So, maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, maybe tomorrow won't be as awful. That's how I have to think to get through this life.

Skinny vs. Curvy

 

   I hate seeing posts about skinny is in, or curvy is in. It's really stupid,  because I think it confuses people. I'm not sure why, but people have like a mindset where you must think one or the other statement is correct. You can't choose both, or think that all body shapes or equally beautiful, just either or. I am sick of it!

   As a skinny woman, I agree that the media shows a biased opinion of beauty by stating that thinner women are the ideal. At the moment though, the ideal woman will look like Beyonce, or Kim Kardashian. However, why should that equate to bashing skinny people. The whole "women have curves," and all that other mantra that people spew to increase their confidence isn't making the media change their minds. 

You see, we need to tell everyone that they are beautiful, whether their bodies look like a runway model or a pin up model. EVERYONE is beautiful! Stop thinking that a really skinny girl is anorexic, when an overweight girl standing next to her probably just flushed her vomit down in the toilet. 

  There are truths that even the eye can't see, and instead of us women bashing each other, we should all be loving one another ( I would love to see the day that happens).We should tell each other that they're beautiful. Not smirking and saying, "Eeew, she needs to eat!" , or "Wow! Someone needs to lay off those fries!". 

That is when the war against women will stop in the media! We need to make our own rules of beauty, and it won't be a skinny vs. curvy rule. It would be everyone is included rule! 

I hope I make sense, it's just something I have been thinking about lately. I think we as people make things more complicated than it really should be.  We give media too much power, and it sucks!  There needs to be diversity in the images that is presented to us. However, don't expect anyone else to do it, we have to do it ourselves. 

Facing the Unexpected

                                                   


   I am writing today in pain and fatigue! I haven't written a blogpost in a month! In fact, I haven't been able to finish NaNoWriMo, darn you 50,000 words!  My absence hasn't just been in the blog world and silly novel competitions, but also in school! No, I didn't have a mental breakdown (although college can do that!) But similar to a mental breakdown, it was out of my control.

    At the beginning of the month, I found myself having nurses pierce through my skin in search for that perfect vein, and afterwards seen by numerous doctors in their white coats trying to figure out what ailment had taken over me. All the while confined inside the white walls and with my deprived body depending on IV drips! Lol! I hope you liked my dramatic take on the situation, it makes up for missing NaNoWriMo!


    However, in all seriousnes, I was hospitalized for an entire month, which had never happened to me before(I think!). Anyway, first it was the flu, then it was pneumonia, next it was acute chest syndrome, and finally a vascular necrosis ( where the bones dissolve)  in my hips. It was treacherous for me, mostly because I hate hospitals, the particular one I went to was the worst of all, and I hate missing school! I mean they performed surgery on the patient rooming with me at three AM while I was trying to sleep!


  Anyway, being in the hospital all month meant I didn't have much control over much of  the things I planned, like finishing the semester for example. And like I've said before, you can't always control everything. Which was hard for me to grasp last month. But it's a new month now, I'm no longer in the hospital and I am ready to continue on with my life and finish my goals!  Besides there a people in the hospital who are there much longer, who practically live there, and I am blessed enough to have left that horrid place!

Catching Up: Helping Out the Community & Strutting On the Catwalk

                                                       

                                                             
   Hey everyone!  I haven't been able to post due to being in college, and having to take exams! I know crazy, right? Besides studying, I have been able to get out of my bed and do something for once! Some really important events that happened was that I got involved in a sickle cell 2k walk, and I got to put on my high heels on, smize and strut on the catwalk. 

  I have said before that I have sickle cell disease. While it has been very hard having to deal with sickle cell, I will not allow myself to be a victim or have people feel sorry for me. But instead to spread awareness  of a very debilitating illness.

  A few weeks ago, I was able to go to a sickle cell 2k walk. I did arrive late to the festivities, but I was able to make it just in time for the Barbeque and some soul inducing music (90s music is the best music). As everyone knows I am shy, so it was a bit nerve wrecking to come into a group of strangers. I had asked a few of my friends to come with me, but everyone was busy or sleeping (It was at 8 AM on a Saturday).

  I felt that eyes were on me, but I locked up the tension away, and introduced myself to people and even got the courage to take pictures of some of them. I met sickle cell warriors young and old ( the oldest being 64 I think) which is great, since most warriors have been told they can't live past fifty. Here are some photos:

          

      

    Overall, this was an important event for me not because of the great cause I am supporting, but also because I was able to meet sickle cell warriors my age. I never really had friends that share the same struggles that come along with sickle cell. So it was nice to meet a guy who when I looked into his eyes also have jaundice, the stamp that marks the appearance of sickle cell, and a girl who attends the same college as me and is in a happy relationship.

   The event gave me hope, and it was something that I really needed. Speaking of hope, another important event happened yesterday. A friend of mine is on the fashion committee here at school, and asked me to audition for a fashion show. After making it through the audition, I was selected to be one of the few models for the show. The whole auditioning process was like America's Next Top Model!

   After a few rehearsals, the big day arrived. I was really nervous, but after my makeup and hair was done and I was fit into a dress by the great  designer Raya Kassisieh, that only me and one other girl could fit in, I was ready to put my Naomi Campbell on (whatever that means).  And guess what? I didn't fall, which is great because those were some of the tallest shoes I had ever worn.


                             

         

     When that was done, I soon went into the audience to find my friends and hang out with them, and to my surprise my mother had came to see me. It was nice to chill out with my friends after all the chaos backstage. Literally, a model was dragged on stage with her shirt unbuttoned and  turned sideways. However, the chaos paid off because it felt like I was in New York's Fashion Week and Anna Wintour was sitting in front row.

                                       
   The fashion show was an important event because the morning of , I was very sad and I kept feeling bad about myself, nothing positive was coming into my mind. It just felt like I was carrying a heavy fog around my head. But when I was able to laugh and eat with my friends that night, it seemed to help a lot. Now I'm ready to take on whatever circumstances that happen, and hope that I can just be positive no matter what...after I finish studying!

How To Relieve Stress!

   Stress is that pounding indicator, that comes knocking through your door waiting for you when you are just about to reach the peak of happiness. So why not pour out the stress  from our bodies, so we can paint a better picture of  our goals and life plans. Here I compiled a list that helps me when I am stressed, and if you haven't, should try as well.

                                                 

    Source: learningmeditation.com

1. Meditate

     I remember at sixteen-years-old first hearing about meditation and how it can relieve stress, pain and anxiety. I went inside my room, shut the door, turned off the television, silenced my phone, sat on the floor with my legs crossed, closed my eyes and then deeply inhaled and exhaled. I started chanting "Om" breiflly before my sister, talking profusely on the phone next door, interrupted me.

     My eyes went wide open and I stormed into my sister's room. I yelled, "I told you I was going to meditate, you're being too loud!" My sister apologized sarcastically, and I went back into my room to start  meditating again. Then the smoke alarm started to chirp loudly as a result of the batteries needing to be changed! I was frustrated, but continued to close my eyes and chant "Om" but it didnt last long. I got hungry at the thought  of  tender cheeseburgers awaiting me, and decided that five seconds was enough!

    Now after reading Iyanla Vanzant's book, One Day My Soul Opened Up, I realized that meditating isn't about being surrounded by the peaceful sounds of the ocean waves on the beach (although it would be ideal). It's about blocking the outside noise and stress and becoming center with the universe! Now I can meditate with the fan blaring and the smoke alarm chirping (I really need to change those batteries), and if I can do that I can relieve any stress I'm having.

Source: myfaithcoach.org

2. Pray

    Like most people that are forgotten to be acknowledged,  I over think and it can effect with the tasks I need to do and my emotions!  I remember one time I was visiting my older cousin in Philadelphia, and I told her I was stressed out about going to college and finances. She told me to just pray, and that it works for her all the time. My cousin is pretty smart, graduating from Oxford University, but I kind of questioned her logic here. It just seemed too simple--prayer. However, it's not just clasping your hands together and closing your eyes and saying ,"Hello there God!" It's actually believing and having faith that things will come into fruition. That whatever you are going through shall pass!

       I sound corny and all, but the sense of believing that situations will turn out okay makes you a more positive human being. Soon you will start attracting positive events and people. God listens to us even when it feels like He doesn't sometimes, just ask and you shall receive. If it wasn't for prayer I wouldn't have been ale to get out of some circumstances in the past.

                                                                       

Source: glamqoutes.com

3. Joy

     When I ask people what they want most out of life, the answer is usually happiness. I don't know anyone that doesn't want to be happy. While happiness is great and all,  it usually is an emotion dependent on a tangible thing. Sometimes we can be happy or we can get mad and sad, why is that? Because happiness is a reaction to something. A reaction to getting a new car, a great job, friends, a relationship, clothes, and multitudes of other things. But what happens when we lose all those things, should we give up on life? No!

       Joy, is a feeling inside of you that never goes away. Regardless of what is stressing you out, you need to  have joyful, by being grateful of what you do have for now. Because it encourages you to know that things will turn out alright. Unlike happiness, joy is intangible and isn't the result of the good days or even the bad days, but a result of good things to come.

                                             

Source: colipera.com

4. Do Nothing!

    Ugh!!! I am stressed beyond belief I just feel like pulling the hairs out of my scalp! Really, you are? Well than sit down on that chair and just relaxed. Much like meditating doing nothing can really help me out when I am stressed. Having an illness like sickle cell anemia, has helped me to realize that I need to take the time out of the day and just relax my body. In this world, people can over work themselves and that can lead to stress. Before you know it you've ended up in a hospital bed with IV fluids running through your veins.

      Now if you are those perfectionists who laugh at the thought of sleep, you can still do nothing for at least ten minutes! Do your nails, eat a tub of organic ice cream, browse online, take a nice walk, how about a nap? When you take the time to give your body and mind a rest you will be more productive during the day and can actually think clearer.


      I stopped at four, because like I just advised you guys I am going to rest my mind a little lol. Of course, I will be back to add more to this list, but until then Om Namah Shivayah to you all!

Tumblr-http://misskemi.tumblr.com/
Instagram- kemz247

Gaining weight!

 

My body now! Pic kinda blurry, sorry!

   Okay, so I have complained about being too skinny before in previous posts. So, I figure I should adhere to Maya Angelou's quote, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude". Well, I'm going to try my best to gain weight. Now, this won't be the first time I've tried to gain weight, it will be the hundredth time. I have been trying to gain weight since I've heard the words, you're so skinny! So since I was eight I have been stuffing my face with  junk food so I can gain weight, and guess what? It did --in my stomach! Therefore, I looked pregnant according to my little sister.

   Now,  if anyone that's reading this  is trying to lose weight don't roll your eyes, if you haven't already! Being skinny is no fun, people would literally laugh at me like I'm a clown during a circus performance. Shopping is often a disaster, especially finding jeans to fit me perfectly. I remember when I was in middle school and I went  back-to-school shopping with my mom. My mother asked the worker at a store in the mall if they carried my size. The woman looked me up and down shaking her head profusely and said, "Oh, no!" and turned around. I wanted to leave the store immediately as I was humiliated.
 
   Before I would try to gain weight by eating more, doing exercises that help gain muscle, but I often would quit  if I didn't see results or I was tired of it. Now, I am committed to my exercise regime and diet for this entire summer. I exercise on alternate days and eat more calories than I do now by drinking weight gain drinks, like Boost or Ensure. I am not going to give up, because I believe that there is a possibility of changing my weight so I'm no longer known as that skinny girl.

  I also go on youtube for some advice, and i subscribed to Bootynomics. She  used to be a skinny girl and now is overall just a voluptuous beauty. Here's a few videos:

   I'll probably never look this girl, I mean anything can happen, but the point is to challenge myself. Going on this journey I am exercising and eating healthy, which is great for my health,  regardless of the physical attributes I feign for. What I really want to gain is confidence and like Ruby Dee once said, "The kind of beauty I want most is the hard to get kind that comes from within--strength, courage and dignity".

Pamper Yourself, Dahling!

  
                                  


     Now that Christmas break is over, and I am instantly swamped with a butt load of coursework, I have to remember to pace myself while making sure to get things done. In our ever-changing fast world we find ourselves to be cramped up with so much work, like doing errands, homework, whatever people do at jobs ('cause I wouldn't know in this economy), cleaning, volunteering, and so forth. It is very important to just take a break and to not overdo these requirements  because you may end up in the hospital with IV fluids running through your veins (no joke). Seriously, when we pamper ourselves we acknowledge the fact that we care about ourselves more than anyone else, which isn't as bad as it sounds, because in the end every single choice we make should benefit us in some way.

   You don't have to go to some five-star hotel and order the most expensive spa package  there is, it would be nice though, but it could just be going to the beach, reading a good book, painting your nails, writing a good story, writing a bad story, eating your favorite dish, basically anything that you like to do for fun. You see today while I was running around and doing my errands, I stopped by at Red Mango and you know I got me a nice, tasty Mango Mandarin smoothie. I also decided to paint my nails my favorite color: purple!

Ignore the bad paint job.

 

 

 

       Honestly, doing these simple pleasures makes me feel a lot better and takes a whole load of stress weighing on top of my shoulder blades. Also, it only takes about five minutes to do some of the things I like to do to pamper myself. In addition, let's just all breathe in and then breathe out whenever we feel stressed, just to know that we are still alive  and how much of a blessing that really is.

Eating Healthy Plus Healthy Sites!

Mmmm...!

                               
                            

                I am doing weekly posts now that school is back on. Anyway, we all have heard that beauty is in the inside. Well then it is important to put good things inside our body, and eating healthy  is  the key. Having sickle cell it is important for me to eat fresh foods to help my body produce healthy blood cells. However, you don't have to have an illness, or be overweight to start eating healthier. When I eat healthy I notice that I have a better attitude, I am more alert and happy about going on with my day.

                    Healthy is NOT eating junk food.
                
                    Healthy is NOT overeating.

                    Healthy is NOT under-eating.

                    Healthy is NOT fad dieting.

             Healthy is eating fresh produce, more cooking instead of buying, eating less of packaged foods. Also eating healthy is not suppose to be stressful,yes,  it is easier to go to McDonalds and order a Big Mac but if you went home and made some rice and beans doused with Tilapia fish and some vegetables on the side  or something that would be more satisfying and make you feel less sluggish at the end of the day.

     Anyway, this info is not new to anyone. Everyone knows you have to eat healthy because when you do it shows, from physical traits like hair, and skin to confidence as well.You don't have to become a vegan, or exercise every single minute of the day, just start with a few vegetables a day and go from there. I don't really go on a lot of  healthy sites honestly, but here is the top two that win first place in my heart!

Heyfranhey.com- Franchesca is the real deal when it comes to being healthy. Her website is full of How-to's on healthy dishes, exercising, and natural beauty remedies. However, she does show more of a  vegan-strict diet when giving out recipes which, trust me, isn't always easy to follow. Nevertheless, when reading her blog you get a sense that she really wants to help you, as she was in a similar state of being unhealthy and curing her kidney dialysis with eating more organic foods.

Greatist.com- This site is great for when you are starving from a disastrously long day and you find yourself screaming at the fridge for betraying you. This site makes you apologize to that fridge, so you can make some easy but satisfying healthy meals. The site also provides meat, vegetarian, and vegan meals to satisfy your appetite. It also has fitness tutorials that range from cardio to yoga!

Getting Help!

                                        
            This is not a PSA for depression...unless you want it to be.
         
         Wow! We're a week into the new year, and that usually means that people are working on their
 resolutions (if they haven't already). Mine is obviously talking to more people this year, but I think this  a year to work on yourself. Whether you want to get healthy, learn a skill, change careers, get a career, more friends, whatever!

    Sometimes those things can't be done on our own, therefore it is always great to seek help when you need it. I was severly depressed for a large amount of time, and when I finally had a break down that almost cost me my college career I knew that I couldn't battle this out on my own. I went through four psychologists to  until I finally found the right one to help me with my problems, but when you find the right one it is well worth it. It doesn't need to be a psychologist, but can be a friend, a relative, a teacher, a blog--whatever!

   I know I am sounding like a corny school guidance counselor, but sometimes we take on a lot of stress or try something that we have no idea how to do! Then we let our egos tell us that we don't need help and, for someone who likes to be independent like myself, it's hard to hear that we need an extra hand. If you still don't have a new year's resolution vow that you will do your hardest to make a better life for yourself, even if it's changing old habits.  Even if at the end of the year things don't go as plan (because sometimes they don't) you will know that you did something different than the year before and that's all that matters.

 

Here's some motivation from Iyanla Vanzant!

Books to Read!

   Hey everyone! I have been a little down for a couple of days, but I hope you all had a Merry Christmas or Chanukah or Kwanzaa! Christmas isn't the same like before when I was little kid staying up all night waiting for Santa to bring me presents. However, I still love to sing Christmas songs and make desserts, and ven though it's too late to gift anyone with a Christmas gift the new year is still approaching. For the new year I would love to change my outlook on life to be more positive, and I would also love to change some of the bad habits in life.

  I have been reading two books that are actually helping me do that. These books can ensure that for the new year you can have more results in regards to living a more confident life.

                                          The Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi
                                       

     Sometimes, or most likely shyness comes from the lack of self-esteem and I feel like everyone (shy or not), should have this if they have been feeling down about themselves, and if they are suffocating their mind with  negative affirmations. Having self-esteem to me is like when superman wears his cape, it is the final thing we need to make it in life to know that we all have something special and unique that will benefit others. I am not finish with this book yet, but so far it has been helping me with taking care of my self from the inside and out. Also it has fun-filled activities that keep anyone interested in reading. I am not working for this company, just a happy reader and you can get it here on Amazon.


    One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth by Iyanla Vanzant


                          
     Some of you may know Miss Iyanla from the OWN' s series Iyanla: Fix My Life, well this is  the same remarkable woman who wrote this inspirational book. I have never seen an episode of her show, but this book was requested for me and I am glad it was. I have mention this book before, and it is a book that is suppose to be read in 40 days. I think you will find that each day you read it you soul will in fact open up more an more each time. It is for those who are stuck in whatever trouble they are in and substantial help, which this does. I was skeptical at first because I have read books similar to this, and while I feel better after reading it over the course of time I tend to lose that uppity spirit and become my old negative self. However, this book is different because although it is there to help you, it reminds you that you are the one that needs to put in the effort to feel better about yourself. Also the author has felt the way her readers felt, and I can truly tell when I read this her methods has helped her and it will help me.


     So those are the books to read now, and I will leave you with a healthy brownie recipe that is made with sweet potatoes!!! It actualy tastes good!

The last one!

 The recipe