From Shy to Leadership

Our 1st Bone Marrow Drive!

So, I think I  mentioned it before, but I have started an organization here  at my college. It's called Gators for Sickle  Cell Warriors. I have seriously put most of my attention to it, in fact this is testing my ability to be able to juggle between school projects, assignments, and this organization. It's not easy to be the President (right, Obama?) . I mean being the shy kid all my life I was never elected or even thought to run for anything for student government, let alone the big, bad president position. However, I felt there was a calling for me to do this.

I remember back in high school, looking for a way to feel understood about my illness I ran upon a blog post on sicklecellwarriors.com, The author, Tosin, recalled  her experience of hiding  her sickle cell while in college. She ran into another student who was president of sickle cell chapter in her district, she ran into someone who was unashamed about her illness. It was that moment I questioned why  I was.

From then on, I dreamed that moment would happen to me. Alas, I go to a predominately white university. So not  finding a sickle cell organization at my school wasn't too surprising( although, there are over a hundred organizations to list as of date). That's when I decided that I would just start my own, so in the beginning of the year my plans came to effect, but once I started my anxieties grew.

How do I get people to come to our GBMs? How do  I get my officers to do their job, without being "harsh"? How do we get sponsors?  Create efficient events? Can I still do this?  These were some of the questions I've (and still) asked myself. I have sacrificed my money, fun, sanity, studying, and time for this organization. I'm not saying one should, but I have definitely done more than   I should have at times.

You gotta promote! 

The organization is not where I want it to be as of now, but it has greatly improved. When I look back at the students registering and getting there mouths swabbed to be in the bone marrow registry, or coming back with  exact change to buy one of our handmade bracelets a for Gators for Sickle Cell Warriors, it makes all the stress worth it.

Now I'm m going to get a bit sentimental here, so bare with me! Before this organization, I was truly lost. I did things and I was good at them but it didn't drive me. No enthusiasm, no spark...everyday was just a  continuous blank page  I flipped through endlessly. Maybe a few pictures here or there, but   I would always get back to that blank page.

However, when I am working with Gators for Sickle Cell Warriors, I realize my passion. I want to work hard for the unheard, and the weak. Now us sickle cell warriors are not weak, but I'd be lying if I said they weren't enough advocacy going on for us.

How to Be Confident with Jaundice Eyes

I write this article on a bad day. I have sickle cell as I've stated before and with all the emotional and physical pain that comes along with it jaundice is one of the consistent problems I have. Today I came in late for class and missed a much needed quiz to boost up my grade, I encountered two of my classmates avoiding me despite the fact that I was just walking like everyone else and had no intentions of talking to them anyway. In addition to that, I forgot my money to buy sushi, an energy drink and embarrassingly walked out of the store  with my lunch left behind at the counter. I know these all seem trivial compared to the  chaos that goes on in the world.

However these mishaps seemed to flood my mind as  I drove back home. So when I hopped on my laptop in my room and searched "how to be confident with jaundice eyes, " I was looking for reassurance.  There needed to be  something to kick me out of the funk, to know that everything would be okay, and yet I got nothing. The same emotion that surrounds my inner thoughts come attacking. It's the same disappointing feeling I get when I Google "makeup for jaundice eyes," or dare I type "how to cure jaundice".

I've been dealing with this tug of war since  middle school. When will I just accept my fate? I know that my  life wouldn't drastically change if I woke up suddenly with milky white eyes. However, it would be nice to be able to look at someone in the eye, without awkwardly looking away. Or have someone understand how you feel.

This is just me being dramatic I assume, I mean I know about the man with no arms and legs who just got married and now has a child. However, sometimes I can't help but to think these stressful reminders. In our world, we often ban this thinking as  if it were a selfish thing to do: talking about your problems.

Yes, I write this article on a bad day. So, maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, maybe tomorrow won't be as awful. That's how I have to think to get through this life.

Facing the Unexpected

                                                   


   I am writing today in pain and fatigue! I haven't written a blogpost in a month! In fact, I haven't been able to finish NaNoWriMo, darn you 50,000 words!  My absence hasn't just been in the blog world and silly novel competitions, but also in school! No, I didn't have a mental breakdown (although college can do that!) But similar to a mental breakdown, it was out of my control.

    At the beginning of the month, I found myself having nurses pierce through my skin in search for that perfect vein, and afterwards seen by numerous doctors in their white coats trying to figure out what ailment had taken over me. All the while confined inside the white walls and with my deprived body depending on IV drips! Lol! I hope you liked my dramatic take on the situation, it makes up for missing NaNoWriMo!


    However, in all seriousnes, I was hospitalized for an entire month, which had never happened to me before(I think!). Anyway, first it was the flu, then it was pneumonia, next it was acute chest syndrome, and finally a vascular necrosis ( where the bones dissolve)  in my hips. It was treacherous for me, mostly because I hate hospitals, the particular one I went to was the worst of all, and I hate missing school! I mean they performed surgery on the patient rooming with me at three AM while I was trying to sleep!


  Anyway, being in the hospital all month meant I didn't have much control over much of  the things I planned, like finishing the semester for example. And like I've said before, you can't always control everything. Which was hard for me to grasp last month. But it's a new month now, I'm no longer in the hospital and I am ready to continue on with my life and finish my goals!  Besides there a people in the hospital who are there much longer, who practically live there, and I am blessed enough to have left that horrid place!

Catching Up: Helping Out the Community & Strutting On the Catwalk

                                                       

                                                             
   Hey everyone!  I haven't been able to post due to being in college, and having to take exams! I know crazy, right? Besides studying, I have been able to get out of my bed and do something for once! Some really important events that happened was that I got involved in a sickle cell 2k walk, and I got to put on my high heels on, smize and strut on the catwalk. 

  I have said before that I have sickle cell disease. While it has been very hard having to deal with sickle cell, I will not allow myself to be a victim or have people feel sorry for me. But instead to spread awareness  of a very debilitating illness.

  A few weeks ago, I was able to go to a sickle cell 2k walk. I did arrive late to the festivities, but I was able to make it just in time for the Barbeque and some soul inducing music (90s music is the best music). As everyone knows I am shy, so it was a bit nerve wrecking to come into a group of strangers. I had asked a few of my friends to come with me, but everyone was busy or sleeping (It was at 8 AM on a Saturday).

  I felt that eyes were on me, but I locked up the tension away, and introduced myself to people and even got the courage to take pictures of some of them. I met sickle cell warriors young and old ( the oldest being 64 I think) which is great, since most warriors have been told they can't live past fifty. Here are some photos:

          

      

    Overall, this was an important event for me not because of the great cause I am supporting, but also because I was able to meet sickle cell warriors my age. I never really had friends that share the same struggles that come along with sickle cell. So it was nice to meet a guy who when I looked into his eyes also have jaundice, the stamp that marks the appearance of sickle cell, and a girl who attends the same college as me and is in a happy relationship.

   The event gave me hope, and it was something that I really needed. Speaking of hope, another important event happened yesterday. A friend of mine is on the fashion committee here at school, and asked me to audition for a fashion show. After making it through the audition, I was selected to be one of the few models for the show. The whole auditioning process was like America's Next Top Model!

   After a few rehearsals, the big day arrived. I was really nervous, but after my makeup and hair was done and I was fit into a dress by the great  designer Raya Kassisieh, that only me and one other girl could fit in, I was ready to put my Naomi Campbell on (whatever that means).  And guess what? I didn't fall, which is great because those were some of the tallest shoes I had ever worn.


                             

         

     When that was done, I soon went into the audience to find my friends and hang out with them, and to my surprise my mother had came to see me. It was nice to chill out with my friends after all the chaos backstage. Literally, a model was dragged on stage with her shirt unbuttoned and  turned sideways. However, the chaos paid off because it felt like I was in New York's Fashion Week and Anna Wintour was sitting in front row.

                                       
   The fashion show was an important event because the morning of , I was very sad and I kept feeling bad about myself, nothing positive was coming into my mind. It just felt like I was carrying a heavy fog around my head. But when I was able to laugh and eat with my friends that night, it seemed to help a lot. Now I'm ready to take on whatever circumstances that happen, and hope that I can just be positive no matter what...after I finish studying!

What is Beauty?

                                      
    Hello, guess what? The Mayans were wrong, which is  spectacular depending on who you ask. I just recently read an article on The Frisky titled "Mirror, Mirror: You ARE Pretty Enough to Find Love". It is all about accepting yourself and not worrying about being "beautiful" because there is a type of love for everyone. You know, all the stuff our elders try to teach us. However, I have been reading Iyanla Vanzant's book "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" and it is a daily self-help book that is meant to be read in 40 days. I am on my sixth day, and the day is titled Creativity.I don't want to give you too much details, but   in this chapter I learned that I can always change my mind.

         I have always had a very negative way of thinking, maybe I inherited that from my dad. Anyway, this negative thinking stems mostly from my physical looks. You see I have sickle-cell anemia, which is a serious illness. It  can cause me to get physically weak,  have excruciating pain and has caused me to spend most nights in the hospital as a child.

      Besides the frequent hospitalizations I received, I had a creepy,green, slimy appearance that used to make me shudder whenever I saw it. It was in the whites of my eyes, you know, the ones that people first notice in other and it's called jaundice. Jaundice appeared right in middle school ( not a good place to start), and I remembered the guy I had a crush on back then make fun of my  eyes and it caused me to cry severely in front of him. I also remembered  in my last years of high school some kid would always ask me if I had drugs. It wasn't in a nice way, but very harsh and taunting. Those weren't the only two, for other followed suit and made sure I always new my eyes were a yellow greenish color.

                                    
      I never understood why people made fun of me, I was shy (still am)  but very nice to others. However, in those years of bullying I stood up for myself once, which resulted in a fight. But other times I just stood there taking my parents advice, which was ignoring them, but it did not help at all. So I thought that I soon as a graduated from high school that there would be more mature people and bullying will have no avail.

     I was wrong in fact the first year of college was spent worrying about what others were thinking of me. I still get teased and bullied, in fact the other day I was at Walmart and someone busted out laughing saying that "I look like a stick" . But guess what? It doesn't bother me now. Because I have a positive mind that loves every inch of me. It's hard, and it is not overnight that you will wake up loving yourself like that. I still struggle from time to time, but I just pray to God to hinder my negative thoughts and to love everyone instead of hating everyone and everything like before, and it helps.