How to Be Confident with Jaundice Eyes

I write this article on a bad day. I have sickle cell as I've stated before and with all the emotional and physical pain that comes along with it jaundice is one of the consistent problems I have. Today I came in late for class and missed a much needed quiz to boost up my grade, I encountered two of my classmates avoiding me despite the fact that I was just walking like everyone else and had no intentions of talking to them anyway. In addition to that, I forgot my money to buy sushi, an energy drink and embarrassingly walked out of the store  with my lunch left behind at the counter. I know these all seem trivial compared to the  chaos that goes on in the world.

However these mishaps seemed to flood my mind as  I drove back home. So when I hopped on my laptop in my room and searched "how to be confident with jaundice eyes, " I was looking for reassurance.  There needed to be  something to kick me out of the funk, to know that everything would be okay, and yet I got nothing. The same emotion that surrounds my inner thoughts come attacking. It's the same disappointing feeling I get when I Google "makeup for jaundice eyes," or dare I type "how to cure jaundice".

I've been dealing with this tug of war since  middle school. When will I just accept my fate? I know that my  life wouldn't drastically change if I woke up suddenly with milky white eyes. However, it would be nice to be able to look at someone in the eye, without awkwardly looking away. Or have someone understand how you feel.

This is just me being dramatic I assume, I mean I know about the man with no arms and legs who just got married and now has a child. However, sometimes I can't help but to think these stressful reminders. In our world, we often ban this thinking as  if it were a selfish thing to do: talking about your problems.

Yes, I write this article on a bad day. So, maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, maybe tomorrow won't be as awful. That's how I have to think to get through this life.

Networking: An Experiment

  It's raining like a hurricane today. I didn't even know it was raining this bad until I got outside, but  since I woke up I had this icky feeling that rainy days give me.  Got to love Florida! Anyway, I've been thinking about what the lady at the career center at my school told me. I went in trying to figure out what internships I could apply for, and she went on about networking.

   I'm shy as I've said plenty times before. I rarely go up to people and just start talking to them. When I'm in class I subconsciously sit in the back where no one is sitting next to me. Sometimes, I feel like I should just introduce myself to someone...however that may just be too spontaneous for me.

  This advisor told me she had a challenge for me. She told me to go up to three people you've never met and introduce yourself. I laughed while she said it. She tried to encourage me and told me to just go for it. Now, that was like three weeks ago, and uh...yeah...I didn't do it.

    Spring break is the week after this one, so this week I will try and take on the challenge. I will just have to look for someone who won't be mean or laugh at me or whatever. It shouldn't be this mind wrecking, but it is for a shy girl. I am just so used to the same familiar interactions. However, I know that in order for me to get a career after I graduate  I will have to network.

SO wish me luck, people! I need to set a date for me to do it, maybe Wednesday. Yeah...well anyway I need to get back to my homework, I have an exam to study for now. Peace!

My Favorite Moment of the Year Is...!

My trip to Puerto Vallarta! The clock is ticking and that made me reminisce on the moments of this year. I promised that I would upload a video for you all on my experience traveling to Mexico alone in the summer. But like the procrastinator I am, I wait until the last day of the year, wow! Anyway, here it is I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for all those who have read and enjoyed my blog this year and I hope that next year I will blog more and make it the best blog it can be!

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S DAY TO YOU ALL!

Catching Up: Helping Out the Community & Strutting On the Catwalk

                                                       

                                                             
   Hey everyone!  I haven't been able to post due to being in college, and having to take exams! I know crazy, right? Besides studying, I have been able to get out of my bed and do something for once! Some really important events that happened was that I got involved in a sickle cell 2k walk, and I got to put on my high heels on, smize and strut on the catwalk. 

  I have said before that I have sickle cell disease. While it has been very hard having to deal with sickle cell, I will not allow myself to be a victim or have people feel sorry for me. But instead to spread awareness  of a very debilitating illness.

  A few weeks ago, I was able to go to a sickle cell 2k walk. I did arrive late to the festivities, but I was able to make it just in time for the Barbeque and some soul inducing music (90s music is the best music). As everyone knows I am shy, so it was a bit nerve wrecking to come into a group of strangers. I had asked a few of my friends to come with me, but everyone was busy or sleeping (It was at 8 AM on a Saturday).

  I felt that eyes were on me, but I locked up the tension away, and introduced myself to people and even got the courage to take pictures of some of them. I met sickle cell warriors young and old ( the oldest being 64 I think) which is great, since most warriors have been told they can't live past fifty. Here are some photos:

          

      

    Overall, this was an important event for me not because of the great cause I am supporting, but also because I was able to meet sickle cell warriors my age. I never really had friends that share the same struggles that come along with sickle cell. So it was nice to meet a guy who when I looked into his eyes also have jaundice, the stamp that marks the appearance of sickle cell, and a girl who attends the same college as me and is in a happy relationship.

   The event gave me hope, and it was something that I really needed. Speaking of hope, another important event happened yesterday. A friend of mine is on the fashion committee here at school, and asked me to audition for a fashion show. After making it through the audition, I was selected to be one of the few models for the show. The whole auditioning process was like America's Next Top Model!

   After a few rehearsals, the big day arrived. I was really nervous, but after my makeup and hair was done and I was fit into a dress by the great  designer Raya Kassisieh, that only me and one other girl could fit in, I was ready to put my Naomi Campbell on (whatever that means).  And guess what? I didn't fall, which is great because those were some of the tallest shoes I had ever worn.


                             

         

     When that was done, I soon went into the audience to find my friends and hang out with them, and to my surprise my mother had came to see me. It was nice to chill out with my friends after all the chaos backstage. Literally, a model was dragged on stage with her shirt unbuttoned and  turned sideways. However, the chaos paid off because it felt like I was in New York's Fashion Week and Anna Wintour was sitting in front row.

                                       
   The fashion show was an important event because the morning of , I was very sad and I kept feeling bad about myself, nothing positive was coming into my mind. It just felt like I was carrying a heavy fog around my head. But when I was able to laugh and eat with my friends that night, it seemed to help a lot. Now I'm ready to take on whatever circumstances that happen, and hope that I can just be positive no matter what...after I finish studying!

From Vacay to School Days

     Hey everyone, I haven't posted in a long time! As most might know school season has started! Yay? As posted, I recently transferred  schools hours away from my home. I moved into my new apartment where I have two roommates who are both freshman.  At first it was a good bonding experience when they invited me to dance the night away, but later on their niceness was misunderstood and now  things are quite awkward around here.

      As for school, my classes are okay so far but I already have exams in two weeks! I hope I can excel in them, my biopsychology and statistic courses I will need to work hard on, but yeah it's alot different from a local college that's for sure.

    However, I am doing something I thought I would have a hard time doing--making friends. I am introverted as it has been established, but I also have a sprinkle of shyness mixed in me. It's hard sometimes especially being a transfer student where everyone in  your year has already created friendships. My advice although, it seems cliche, is to talk to people. Have a question?  Ask that person seated next to you. Most likely they won't ignore you, and then you can start asking them what their major is, their year, talk about events, ect. This information won't guarantee a connection but at least you'll start somewhere.

   I did this in my biopsychology class and now I have made a friend, and that friend has introduced me to her friends--sooner or later I've gotten  invited to parties and outings.  While this is has been a blessing as I have prayed on it before, be careful on what you wished for. Going out and having fun is amaze balls, but in college there needs to be a balance between work and play.

  For example, because there isn't homework assigned (except for my Statisitics class) I haven't been studying as much for my classes, and now I have exams in two weeks. So don't be afraid to decline an invitation, for those who are in college.   Speaking of partying, here is a few pictures and videos of my first three weeks here at my new school.

It's crowded up in here!

Group picture after a Hispanic Student Association Event!

Rice and beans mmmm!

Salsa night!

Me after church!

Labor day outing at the Springs!

My first time here!

 

 

                               The Sabor Latino Dance Team performed at the HSA event! Fiiire!


SO yeah that is the summary of my few weeks being here! College can be fun, and not all about cramming for exams! Right? Isn't that what life should be about?  Anyway, I'll be posting more about events going around while I'm here in college. Until then, see you later! 

New School, New You?

                                           

Source: silodrome.com

    Every year as summer goes back into hibernation and Fall peaks out from under its covers, I dream that things will change for the better. However that feeling of expectation is similar to the dreadful sensation of making a New Year resolution. I shout to the universe my requests of having  more friends, more social outings, dates, ect. Instead, I find myself repeating the same year (insert emoticon).

      I am going to a new school, a huge new school and I am terrified. Terrified of failing to the point that I might have panic attacks. Usually at this point of time, I would be meticulously making lists of things to buy, making up a skin care routine, and practicing my conversation skills in front of the mirror. This time around, however, I figure what's the point? Those things don't change who I am, and no matter how old I get, or where I live. I will continuously be surrounded by the same life situations.

                                                         

It's that time of the year, again...

      It's just life. I think what I had been doing wrong this entire time was expecting for my surroundings to change, new school, new change. But that's not how it works. The world isn't perfect, no matter how much of a good person I think I am. Life has it's setbacks, I just have to put my metal armor on and deal with it. It comes with growing up I guess, and now that I've realized it maybe I can start to change.

    Maybe, with less expectations I won't get depressed? No, I just can't do that. I am a dreamer, there's not a second that goes by where I don't close my eyes and fantasize a paradise surrounded by a pink fuzzy haze . I cannot let Life tell me what to do, instead I must tell Life what it will do. And to show Life that I am being serious, I will compile a list of things to remind my self throughout the year.


17 Things to Remind Myself Throughout the Year! 

• Tell yourself affirmative words.
• Smile, even when you don't want to.
• Make your own crowd, don't follow.
• Talk to more people, humans aren't as scary as they seem.
• Speak up more, you have interesting things to say.
• Ask for help! 
• Write more, it's therapeutic. 
• Join lots of clubs and activities to keep yourself from drowning in school work.
• Don't beat yourself up too much.
• Read a lot more self-help books. 
• Don't compare yourself to anyone.
• Realize you are more than your mistakes, continue to count your blessings!
• Hang out with people who respect you.
• Continue to build up your strengths.
• Don't just wallow in bed (unless reading a good book) do something you love.
• Take a break, and take care of your health.
• Keep blogging! 

   Here is my list of seventeen things to remind myself throughout the year. Basically I am changing my outtake and not necessarily all of the situations this year...we'll see how that goes.  Any suggestions? They're welcomed! 

We Made It!

    It's the six month mark, meaning we have made it to the half of the year! I'm celebrating, because I was really depressed and just couldn't think of a better life for myself. However, this past week I have been bombarded with a list of positive things that can help anyone feeling depressed about themselves. Here it is:

 

The Draw My Life videos are inspiring, because it shows the journeys of certain people and how they have overcame their battles to be where they are now. I have seen a lot but this Youtuber DeStorm Power is by far the most inspiring from dealing with jail, homelessness, and death to become successful is...wow! 

 

This Draw My Life video is about social anxiety, which i feel from time to time. The video has two parts so make sure that you see both of them by MrAk101786 , even if you don't suffer from social anxiety.

Oprah Winfrey just got an honorary doctorate degree from  Harvard University! Is there anything she can't do? While she received this prestigious award, she gave a commencement  speech for the graduating class of 2013. Oprah shares her thoughts of wisdom about success and failure, and I encourage anyone to see this video whatever stage you are at in life.

     Also, over at xoJane, I read an article about a woman who was greeted by her dentist that thought she was dead. It just brings another perspective of this world, and that people really do care more about you than you might think. I am determined to keep going strong for the remaining of the year, and many years to come and I hope everyone else does as well!

Celebrities Who Embrace Their Flaws!

  Hello everyone! I hope you guys had a great mother's day! I got my mama a candle because I am a college student with no job! But she said she likes it and it was kind of  expensive for a candle, so I'm glad she does. Anywho,  I am making this post about celebrities and their physical flaws and how they embrace it, because a lot of people look up to celebrities and think ohmigod they are just soo perfect. However no one is! I don't understand how being famous makes you perfect, but okay here's a list of celebrities that embrace their flaws.


1. Anne Hathaway--Prominent Features



      I've liked Anne Hathaway since the Princess Diaries. I just think she is gorgeous and she has prominent features like big eyes, ears,  and teeth but she still looks stunning whenever I see her on the red carpet. It actually makes her unique and shows that you dont have to have quaint little features to be beautiful! Yeah you go Hathaway with your shiny Oscar!


2.  Grace Jones--Androgyny



I love Grace Jones from her razor-sharp cheekbones to her high top fade! Even though the Jamaican singer, actress and model is androgynous, it's what made her the fashion icon she is today. Like Hathaway she shows that having strong features can be a beautiful thing.Plus, it's her fashion and flair that has influenced big pop stars like Madonna and Rihanna!


3. Padma Lakshmi--Scar
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Padma Lakshmi is a model and has written award-winning cookbooks like Easy Exotic, and also hosts Top Chef on Bravo. Another seemingly confident celeb whose physical flaw seems to be her scar located on her right arm. As someone with many scars myself, I admire Padma for not hiding her scar, but wearing outfits that reveal the scar she got from a car accident like the one above.

4. Rebel Wilson--Plus size



  Rebel is pretty and funny what more could you ask for? Even though the world is obsessed with being the perfect size, she's fine with who she is. She brings in the confidence that has leads her to star in blockbuster movies (do people still say blockbuster?), hosting the MTV movie awards, and  now her own show on ABC called Super Fun Night !

5. Tyra Banks--Big Forehead



Tyra! Tyra! As stated in a  previous entry, I loved the Tyra Show, some may have found it annoying I guess but I really wish the show did not go off the air! Anyway, if anyone knows this supermodel/actress/children's book author/ Emmy-award winning talk show host/ ANTM host is that she embraces her big ol' five head. That's right you wont see her wearing bangs much, nevertheless she is still beautiful! Honorable mention in this category goes to Rihanna.

This is the list I've compiled so far, but stay tuned because I might add more to it!

Gaining weight!

 

My body now! Pic kinda blurry, sorry!

   Okay, so I have complained about being too skinny before in previous posts. So, I figure I should adhere to Maya Angelou's quote, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude". Well, I'm going to try my best to gain weight. Now, this won't be the first time I've tried to gain weight, it will be the hundredth time. I have been trying to gain weight since I've heard the words, you're so skinny! So since I was eight I have been stuffing my face with  junk food so I can gain weight, and guess what? It did --in my stomach! Therefore, I looked pregnant according to my little sister.

   Now,  if anyone that's reading this  is trying to lose weight don't roll your eyes, if you haven't already! Being skinny is no fun, people would literally laugh at me like I'm a clown during a circus performance. Shopping is often a disaster, especially finding jeans to fit me perfectly. I remember when I was in middle school and I went  back-to-school shopping with my mom. My mother asked the worker at a store in the mall if they carried my size. The woman looked me up and down shaking her head profusely and said, "Oh, no!" and turned around. I wanted to leave the store immediately as I was humiliated.
 
   Before I would try to gain weight by eating more, doing exercises that help gain muscle, but I often would quit  if I didn't see results or I was tired of it. Now, I am committed to my exercise regime and diet for this entire summer. I exercise on alternate days and eat more calories than I do now by drinking weight gain drinks, like Boost or Ensure. I am not going to give up, because I believe that there is a possibility of changing my weight so I'm no longer known as that skinny girl.

  I also go on youtube for some advice, and i subscribed to Bootynomics. She  used to be a skinny girl and now is overall just a voluptuous beauty. Here's a few videos:

   I'll probably never look this girl, I mean anything can happen, but the point is to challenge myself. Going on this journey I am exercising and eating healthy, which is great for my health,  regardless of the physical attributes I feign for. What I really want to gain is confidence and like Ruby Dee once said, "The kind of beauty I want most is the hard to get kind that comes from within--strength, courage and dignity".

What is Beauty?

                                      
    Hello, guess what? The Mayans were wrong, which is  spectacular depending on who you ask. I just recently read an article on The Frisky titled "Mirror, Mirror: You ARE Pretty Enough to Find Love". It is all about accepting yourself and not worrying about being "beautiful" because there is a type of love for everyone. You know, all the stuff our elders try to teach us. However, I have been reading Iyanla Vanzant's book "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" and it is a daily self-help book that is meant to be read in 40 days. I am on my sixth day, and the day is titled Creativity.I don't want to give you too much details, but   in this chapter I learned that I can always change my mind.

         I have always had a very negative way of thinking, maybe I inherited that from my dad. Anyway, this negative thinking stems mostly from my physical looks. You see I have sickle-cell anemia, which is a serious illness. It  can cause me to get physically weak,  have excruciating pain and has caused me to spend most nights in the hospital as a child.

      Besides the frequent hospitalizations I received, I had a creepy,green, slimy appearance that used to make me shudder whenever I saw it. It was in the whites of my eyes, you know, the ones that people first notice in other and it's called jaundice. Jaundice appeared right in middle school ( not a good place to start), and I remembered the guy I had a crush on back then make fun of my  eyes and it caused me to cry severely in front of him. I also remembered  in my last years of high school some kid would always ask me if I had drugs. It wasn't in a nice way, but very harsh and taunting. Those weren't the only two, for other followed suit and made sure I always new my eyes were a yellow greenish color.

                                    
      I never understood why people made fun of me, I was shy (still am)  but very nice to others. However, in those years of bullying I stood up for myself once, which resulted in a fight. But other times I just stood there taking my parents advice, which was ignoring them, but it did not help at all. So I thought that I soon as a graduated from high school that there would be more mature people and bullying will have no avail.

     I was wrong in fact the first year of college was spent worrying about what others were thinking of me. I still get teased and bullied, in fact the other day I was at Walmart and someone busted out laughing saying that "I look like a stick" . But guess what? It doesn't bother me now. Because I have a positive mind that loves every inch of me. It's hard, and it is not overnight that you will wake up loving yourself like that. I still struggle from time to time, but I just pray to God to hinder my negative thoughts and to love everyone instead of hating everyone and everything like before, and it helps.